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Saturday, September 7th, 2002
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just when i thought my life was bad enough...i have to be slapped in the face. thats right, i really am dying. theres no hope left. i dont even have any left. i cant do this...i really dont have the energy to just sit around and wait, in this pain, to die. and to make things worse, im in trouble. and my friends have been PISSING me OFF. its like, you except the people you care about the most to be there for you during this difficult time in your life, and they cant even fucking do that. well ya know what i have to say to those of you - FUCK YOU. just fuck yourself buddy cause none of you are worth it. and to the people who have been there for me, i love you guys, i really really do. these past few days have been nuts. friday was soooooo sad, but friday night was so great. and today was almost good...if i didnt get busted and i wasnt so upset. i feel like shit too. im ready to just say fuck waiting and die tomorrow. whats the point anyway...
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Sunday, September 1st, 2002
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nothing much has been going on lately. i went to the doctors last tuesday, for the whole weekly check up after the surgery, to kinda find out if the tumor decided to grow back. but honestly...i cant face the truth. i told him i just dont want to know, not yet at least.
other than that, things are ok. asta has been hassling me lately and made a scene, but i think she finally gets the point that there is just no chance for us. sorry babe, its just not meant to be and we both know that.
so, i got to go to the carnival last night! yes guys, the cheap little shitty one. JSUT WAIT til the BIG ONE. ohhh man its gonna be FUN. me and colleen went last night, it was sooo lame, but we still had fun. haha
today i am going to lunch with corey and my little hotties. haha that will be good.
ok guys i have a problem...i LOVE shannon. yeah, i really really do. and i just wanna tell it to the world. like seriously, every person i see, i just wanna be like...dude, i love shannon! but i dont, thank god, cause people might think i was a little weird haha. shannon, if ur reading this, I LOVE YOU... :)
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Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
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alright so i did the whole surgery thing...now people can stay the fuck off my back and stop saying im not doing everything in my power to live. thanks. and by the way, the surgery sucked. i go back in next week to find out if this is it.
anyway, i dont wanna think about that shit, let alone talk about it. so here is a convo i had with a friend that we found very amusing:
Kayla: you cant die...DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MISTER
Kayla: .... dude and w/e you do DONT DIE A VIRGIN...
Me: lol
Kayla: but i doubt that ur a virgin anyway
Me: im not
Kayla: cuz life screwed u
Kayla: lol
Me: lol
Kayla: life screwed me too, dont feel bad
Kayla: lol
Me: lol im sorry
Me: life screws us all
Kayla: thank god im not pregnant!
Me: yeah, lifes a real whore
Kayla: lol
Me: lol
Me: thank god
Kayla: lmao
Me: we dont need anymore little "lives" running around
Kayla: omg i love you!
Kayla: lol
Me: lol
Kayla: OMG
Kayla: LMAO
Me: thanks i love you too
Kayla: i think im high or something i swear i havent laughed this hard in forever
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Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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yes, as you all know, a very special friend of mine is here visiting...my snuggles. god i love her. she got in yesterday and we had a good deal of fun for it being her 1st day in. haha not that kinda fun you sickos. good, clean fun. cause thats what im all about. lol we're about to go take a nap...you know, mess around. lol cause like im tired...seeing as how she made me get up at the crack of dawn. not cool babe. haha j/k its alright. well anyways, im not exactly sure what were doing tongiht. probably go to a friends house or something. party a little. its just so nice to lay there, and like talk to her. shes so special guys. i just love her...haha. ok anyways, nothing else too exciting going on in my life. so we can leave it at that.
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Thursday, August 1st, 2002
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ok, well, most of you probably already know this: i'm not going to make it. its ok...i mean, its not ok..but i'll be okay. its just weird, ya know, planning shit...knowing...i might not even make it to do that.
well i have a few people i'd like to acknowledge quickly:
kris...my bffae haha...i am SO sorry..how could this happen to you twice...you have been there for me though EVERYTHING...i am so glad you are the one thats there for this too...but im so sorry to hurt you like this...
my family...love is all i have...for all of you..even YOU haha...you guys have been the ones there through everything, everything..and nothing will even take me away from your hearts...i love you guys with all of mine.
kk...all i can say is...i love you...you have been there for me through everything...and i hate this, being so far apart. but i'll see you soon babe.
snuggles...i LOVE you. i just absolutly, truely love everything about you. you make me smile and laugh and cry...and i miss you.
"the gang" sean, john, matt, erika, leah, AA...you 6 have my life sooo fun over the years. im glad we hang out and have sucha blast. i love you guys.
james and michael...you 2 have been like family to me. james you are truely a brother...and michael...wtf who knwos what u are...but i love you guys..take care of my sister ok?
nicki...its weird ya know...coming back to this...it was weird coming back to you...i know i made a promise...and i didnt keep it. but i will always be with ou nicki...you will always know how much u mean tome.
shannon..its crazy how you make me feel...i love you..thanks for being there for me..im so sorry things couldnt have worked out differently...i'll always love you.
jeff, JE, Em, B, kevPT, jesse, amanda, amanda, KT, and EVERYONE - thank you for whatever you have done in my life...i love you all of you guys
everyone at school that i left out, im sorry, you know if u love me, and you if you do, then i love you. haha it even rhymes. i'll write more as you come to my mind.
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ok so friday was great fun! me and a bunch of friends went to applebees for a late lunch then went around doing crazy shit! i love being crazy. friday night was good too, but i think i kinda led a friend on...and that was not my intention...im sorry :( she knows i care about her, but just as friends. i dont think she really likes me as more than friends, it was just the idea of us. plus we're both lonely and ya know that has a lot to do with it. but i'm glad everything is straight. well saturday was good too. i just got in like at 11 and i'm tired! im just sitting here waiting for shannon to get on...anytime today baby! sike i love you :) i know ur busy.
well i miss ashley...i havent talked to her much lately. but ive still been thinkin about her. i miss her always commenting on my LJ...ashley...i miss you!
still postponing my surgery...it sounds crazy, but its so much better to wait...like...if the surgery doesnt go good...i dont have another chance. that means that the longer i wait, the longer until i have to face reality - i just dont feel the need yet.
im still waiting to see if i got back into my old school...my friends, god i love them, wrote letters to administration begging. i did too - i promised to be good. lol i will too. well i'm tired so im gonna SKADADLE! however u spell that gay term lol
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Thursday, July 25th, 2002
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well not much has been going on lately...just happened to kind of fall in love...ya know, the usual...haha sike...yeah guys...shannon is great...we're like fuckin perfect for each other too...its crazzzzzy. i love it.
other than that...life is boring. i dont know exactly when im getting my surgery...i dont even want to really think about it. i was feeling pretty sick the last few nights so i just took it upon my self to increase my medication doses...haha thats so like me, its great.
well i think thats about all the excitment i feel like adding for one day...
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| Subject: | hmm |
| Time: | 1:08 am. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | the movielife. |
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well lately ive been feeling like shit...ive had terrible headaches, blacked out, and threw up. it sucks! :(
i really like shannon...a lot
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well guys, i'm home. its sad isnt it. yeah it sure as hell is. i already miss my friends in florida. liek they mean soooo much to me. god, i love you guys with more than all my heart..if thats possible.
well my night was okay, partied, so it was good. my friends piss me off but i love them all the same. i cant stop thinking about shannon...like i really like her ya know...its totally fucked, but thats my life. haha oh well. shes cool with me liking her, and thats groovy.
well guys i go in next week sometime for my surgery. im really praying. so pray for me. thanks. later friends
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i have no idea why i'm so tired today. oh well. lets see, i went to lunch with my gram today, that was good. we went to this cool chinese place - great food. then we went to wal mart to get some stuff and i ran into this girl i used to go to school with down here. she was cool and she looked pretty damn good.
anyways, i've been in a great mood lately. meeting someone that you really like, and being able to talk to them about anything, for a long time, really really is nice. man i like her a lot too. lol ahh i have to go...about to leave. later
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yeah who knows. anyway, i've been great lately if anyone wanted to know. things have been going my way and i really have nothing to complain about. then i remembered something that honestly i almost forgot: i have cancer. god, how much does that suck right now. i dont want to have it, i dont feel like fighting and all that stuff. like its just a big hassle that came into my life and i'm praying everyday that my great doctor can take care of it before it sucks anything outta me, ya know what i mean? well, i dont want to even think of it right now. ive put it outta my mind for this long so it can stay out for a little longer, until i HAVE TO worry about it.
anyways, i met someone great. someone who has the oppertunity to change my entire life. actually i think she already has...
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| Subject: | KK's |
| Time: | 7:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  devious. | | Music: | Saves The Day. |
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just got back from KK's last night - it was GREAT! i love KK! haha and i love her friends too! ;-) lol god it was soo great. they are incredible people...yes they are. we had some great great times. lol
anyways, happy 4th. today i went over to valeries for a bbq and hung with all them and Jake. it was great. good food and good people - god, you cant beat that! lol
i'm going to a party later - hopefully. i'm pretty f'n exhausted, so we'll see.
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so i went to church today with some great friends. its been a while since i went. actually, it was great fun. their church is awesome. the service wasnt even very formal. i loved it.
after that, Jake and i hung out. i'm taking him home tomrorow morning :( but of course i'll still see him and all. i am also going in wednesday to sign the papers - giving me legal joint-custody with valerie - thank you for that - Jake means so much to me.
im seeing my best friend in florida tomorrow - YES! i cant wait...i also get to see other GREAT friends..love you all. haha.
i'm trying not to think about this cancer shit too much. its better that way.
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Saturday, June 29th, 2002
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i can't wait to finish high school and move down here to florida. my friends here are so great, and Jake really makes me smile. today i took him to Orlando, we had a blast. the stuff he says and the faces he makes really crack me up. i'm so happy to be spending this time with him now. he's taking a nap right now, and i should be too! i'm tired. i think i'm gonna meet up with some friends later tonight to hang out. that will be fun.
i think shannon left for PA today...have fun shannon! i'll miss her though...lol i'm a dork - i know this. shannon is a really cool person.
it's almost july 1st and we all know what that means - ashley's bday and our 10 month anniversary..haha..we have to celebrate...you know, see a movie, have sex, whatever. haha j/k.
and kristen is about to get hit if she doesnt stop messing up my hair...
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yes today was great!
I:
1.hung with friends...18th bday party...haha
2. hung with Jake! my son!
here is the story about Jake:
three years ago a close friend of mine had a son, that would be him. the biological father wanted nothing to do with this kid. my friend didnt want him to grow up without a father. her family is close to mine and im close with her. she said i was a dedpendable guy and wanted me in jake's life as his dad. after thinking about it for a while, and spending time with him, i realized i didnt want him to lose out on having a dad either. so i stepped in. and im glad i did. it hasnt been hard on me really cause i live in a diff. state, but valerie, you have done a great job with him, and with little help. once i graduate and come to FL for college, i will be able to help more. he's a great kid, and i may not be his dad, and i may not even be with valerie like that, but im there for him, and i love him. he is here for the weekend...yes! he is sucha smart kid, its awesome. we took him to chuck e cheese, like me and 15 friends. it rocked. he was definetly worn out. lol he's gonna sleep good tonight. well i'm talking to like 9237817 people so i have to go. later
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rockstarskater's journal
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